I think I was right. I won't say I know I was right because I can't endeavor to say with certainty what's going on in other people's brains, but I seriously feel disconnected from a lot of people and there's a block there preventing me from reaching out all the time. It's draining. I get sick of it.

Socialization is something that is hard to get in the situations that I'm in, with the lack of money, the illness which makes me so fucking tired at times that I can barely stay awake to make food for the munchkin, add to that the munchkin that a lot of people we know really can't relate to, and I don't want to pawn him off on my Mum just so I can go driving.

I'm grateful that I have a few friends who still talk to me and will come and visit or that my husband can make arrangements so I can go and see some people...but still it seems like things are way different now, and talking with K whose been visiting kinda affirms to me that there has been some uncertainty with how to approach me, and some fear on people's parts that I'm going to up and decide it was all wrong.

True I haven't been getting much input lately, but I know things have been so overwhelming for me on many quarters that it's been enough just to get through one day to the next, and there have been dreams I just haven't been able to hold on to them properly.

I'm not discounting any of the experiences I had or have had over the past few years just because I've been diagnosed as having multiple personalities, in fact it's made things a bit more clear for me in a lot of respects. The reason why it was so easy for me to flip and channel change for example, because the alters and the other lives meshed together, it made the alters stronger, it made me stronger, I'm grateful to it and for it, because if it wasn't for discovering the other lives and the alters I wouldn't have been able to deal with the fractures so well, I wouldn't have had the tools to find out and research and work through things on my own, to gain a semblance of co-consciousness or anything else like that. I would have wound up in situations that I see having happened with other DID diagnoses where they've been in and out of hospital or in and out of jail because they have no communication with certain alters who just do whatever the fuck they feel like doing.

I don't even want to think of the trouble that Terri or maybe even Sanzo type personality could have gotten me in to if they weren't keenly aware that X or Y was in their life time and this wasn't it.

I feel I have to say it partially for myself too, that we're still here and we're still us, that even our therapist doesn't poo-poo the reincarnation aspect of things. She just admits that she doesn't know everything and that it could well be the reason for X, Y and Z. In fact dealing with the therapist has pretty much validated things over doubts that I had. She read the entry that Max wrote which talked about suicide attempts and self-harm and said that it seriously read like he had done those things, even though physically in this life I've never actually put the knife to flesh only thought about it and then had Ami stop us. She said the writing was very kinesthetic that it was clearly something that he had done, and I said that the only time I knew he had done those things was in the life time that was similar not in this time.

Enough ramble from me right now...I need to make some food now that I've woken up a bit better.

x-posted Echoes... and LJ.