I think I was right. I won't say I know I was right because I can't endeavor to say with certainty what's going on in other people's brains, but I seriously feel disconnected from a lot of people and there's a block there preventing me from reaching out all the time. It's draining. I get sick of it.

Socialization is something that is hard to get in the situations that I'm in, with the lack of money, the illness which makes me so fucking tired at times that I can barely stay awake to make food for the munchkin, add to that the munchkin that a lot of people we know really can't relate to, and I don't want to pawn him off on my Mum just so I can go driving.

I'm grateful that I have a few friends who still talk to me and will come and visit or that my husband can make arrangements so I can go and see some people...but still it seems like things are way different now, and talking with K whose been visiting kinda affirms to me that there has been some uncertainty with how to approach me, and some fear on people's parts that I'm going to up and decide it was all wrong.

True I haven't been getting much input lately, but I know things have been so overwhelming for me on many quarters that it's been enough just to get through one day to the next, and there have been dreams I just haven't been able to hold on to them properly.

I'm not discounting any of the experiences I had or have had over the past few years just because I've been diagnosed as having multiple personalities, in fact it's made things a bit more clear for me in a lot of respects. The reason why it was so easy for me to flip and channel change for example, because the alters and the other lives meshed together, it made the alters stronger, it made me stronger, I'm grateful to it and for it, because if it wasn't for discovering the other lives and the alters I wouldn't have been able to deal with the fractures so well, I wouldn't have had the tools to find out and research and work through things on my own, to gain a semblance of co-consciousness or anything else like that. I would have wound up in situations that I see having happened with other DID diagnoses where they've been in and out of hospital or in and out of jail because they have no communication with certain alters who just do whatever the fuck they feel like doing.

I don't even want to think of the trouble that Terri or maybe even Sanzo type personality could have gotten me in to if they weren't keenly aware that X or Y was in their life time and this wasn't it.

I feel I have to say it partially for myself too, that we're still here and we're still us, that even our therapist doesn't poo-poo the reincarnation aspect of things. She just admits that she doesn't know everything and that it could well be the reason for X, Y and Z. In fact dealing with the therapist has pretty much validated things over doubts that I had. She read the entry that Max wrote which talked about suicide attempts and self-harm and said that it seriously read like he had done those things, even though physically in this life I've never actually put the knife to flesh only thought about it and then had Ami stop us. She said the writing was very kinesthetic that it was clearly something that he had done, and I said that the only time I knew he had done those things was in the life time that was similar not in this time.

Enough ramble from me right now...I need to make some food now that I've woken up a bit better.

x-posted Echoes... and LJ.

...so why do I feel like a traitor?

I went to a ritual over the weekend. I'm going to get over myself and post about it on the other journal. I got it half posted yesterday but family obligations meant I had to lock the post on private so I wouldn't have to re-write it before we hastily left. I think on things this morning and realize part of it was me making excuses. I'm afraid that there are people I know who might feel there's a betrayal that I hung out with the people that I did, and all the rest of it. There were no obligations made on my part. I went for the person whose event it was and myself, not anyone else. I went because I wanted to see people and do my own checking. I went because I needed to.

I realize that genuine friends will understand, but there's still those people in my head who are full of fear and self-loathing. That area that still needs work. There are issues, and there was crap in the past. I'm still not entirely sure what all of it was about. There have been apologies from quarters back and forth about that, and there are words spoken and amicable relations, exchanges of information and me sitting back and digesting everything. I do what I need to so that I can heal my own wounds and get the scars I need.

I did have fun. It was a nice day, overall. The trip was good. The child behaved like an angel, for the most part, and he had no issue with anyone, even the ones who were apparently causing drama. There was a lot of energy. I didn't break any limbs, that's always a plus. There were injuries. There was teaching. I taught people, me...I'm not sure how things were received overall. There was one person there, an HP from a coven, who just seemed to be walled up to everyone. I put it down to her having been sick recently. Perhaps there were other reasons, given this is the first time I've met that person I really couldn't say with any accuracy. You don't spy on people without permission. Although the wall reminded me of Genjo. That whole "I must not appear weak or ask for help from anyone so I will just sit here and be quiet and watch."

The only one I had misgivings about was a member of the HPs coven. I'd had an impression when we were driving up that there would be someone there who was trying to tell me things about the way I should be operating with the child, or saying some things that would tick me off, and there was but they were done indirectly. That's always fun. There was muttering and murmuring the two times he actually did get upset, and they were from there, but that person was inconsiderate anyway, smoking around people with known allergies and lying about other things. I'm stronger in parental confidence now though perhaps that's why nothing was said to me directly.

Will I do this again? I don't know. Has this done what is needed for closure on certain aspects? Perhaps, that remains to be seen. There are people there who I really hope I can stay back in contact with, and others I'm not sure about yet. They seem different than they were in some ways and not in others. There is hideous horrible luck on their part but I don't think all that could be being done to change it is.

I was reading something earlier that a friend posted about people being considered either "Fake" or "Credible" within the Otherkin community, and the general pandemonium about fakes reflecting badly against the community as a whole that goes on.

She put into words really well some things which I've been trying to articulate with not nearly so much success. It's frustrating for me that bringing up Otherkin within the Pagan community means that you're probably crazy and should be discredited, or that bringing up Mediakin within the Otherkin community often means equally so. I've just started hearing the term "soulbond" over the past week or so, and there seems to be some of the same within that community, and a lot of it is just to do with terminology, or in some cases within the Mediakin community just pure ego trips.

I've heard of their being arguments between Mediakin because two people are claiming the same person as their past life, and I've seen first hand someone being ticked off just because a term was used that they didn't like and associated with "crazy people".

I've also experienced that fear that you have to establish yourself within a community before claiming certain things because as a newbie to a community you're automatically going to be viewed with a skeptical eye and basically have to work from below ground up to the right level to be able to say certain things because then you're less likely to be judged "not crazy".

I've been hearing about this over and over for a couple of years. The idea that abductees share similar experiences with Otherkin. I think several groups are researching this phenomena. I know I've seen some articles written about it by myself on MySpace, and in other places around and about.

One person who goes by the handle of Chakra Dave. I found his posting on the subject on The Lonely Garden a site run by Tonya Kay of "Who Wants to be a Superhero?":

I want to share with you a topic that I discovered in 2003, and am exploring further in depth. From what I have gathered, the UFO phenomena has been explored for centuries, but only recently in the last few decades has the numbers and credibility to have been embraced and explored by people in general. After reading several of the web boards, I have seen the number of alien contactees and abductees are spiritual people, trying to make sense of their experiences and where they and what they've been introduced to into the bigger picture of the universal puzzle. Remember the first time you heard about something bizarre, something that didn't fit in with what you were taught or so shockingly strange that it was hard to accept? Or perhaps you felt an immediate connection or kinship on a deep level with the circumstances, but were afraid to come forward for fear of ridicule, scrutiny, or feeling the way you feel. Well, something like that is happening right now, and the events and groups are just as confused and seeking answers as all of us here are.

Otherkin are people who believe they are either descendants of, or reincarnated spirits of, creatures that are not human. And not just animals, like totem spirits described in various cultures, but beings normally relegated to creatures of fantasy and legend. Yes, there are Otherkin who believe they are in some part of their essence, beings such as werecreatures and shapeshifters, or Therianthropes/Therians as they prefer being called. Also there are dragons, elves, fae, angels, demons, godlings, and so on. There are some sub-groups of kin among the larger variety, like Dragonkin, Elvenkin, etc. There are some who are multiple kinds of kin, and some also claim not only to have certain tendencies and feelings of phantom limbs reminiscent of appendages such as tails, wings, horns and the like, but some say they also have memories of their past lives.

I know how such things can sound on the surface. It can sound like the ultimate act of overactive imaginations or dementia. However, I have noticed several factors that sound like similar replies and responses from contactees/abductees and people who remember past lives. It is said that hypnotic regression can be an excellent tool for recovering past memories. And some have either been called, or are similar to what are referred to as Starseeds, beings who believe their essence was sent here from another world, and many Starseeds as well as Otherkin feel like there is some reason they are here, some drive or purpose to accomplish but are for the most part unaware of what it could be. I have been exploring the aspects of Otherkin, and am trying to see all possibilities within it. Many creatures of legend are spoken of in stories throughout all cultures and religions. If they did exist, where did they go? What proof if any is there that they existed? Could this be a part of that belief? Also, it could be possible that instead of being true reincarnations or these beings, that this could be some kind of totemic aspect, with each Kin type representing some part of the persons psyche or personality. But here's the kicker: The majority of Otherkin have a traumatic or emotional event occur, and these parts awaken from an apparent `dormancy'. Most Otherkin out there didn't hear about such things and simply adopt this as an excuse to feel the way they feel or to explain the experiences they have, but many were privately experiencing this with NO idea what was going on, why this strange part of them had manifested at all. It wasn't until they explored online or within mystic circles that they discovered for the first time, they were not alone.

We like to think we have become open minded enough to explore the unknown. Partly this is because of the media's portrayal of such concepts and making into popular fictions. But such a concept of these legendary beings having a true link or manifestation in human beings? Not only has this become a recently discovered(by me, anyway) phenomenon, but it hasn't been done to death or despoiled by Hollywood or books. This is a new facet to explore in spirituality, as well as the possible origins of our history. Some people who say they were reincarnated can remember a time of Atlantis, where the Sons of Belial had created mutants and hybrids such as centaurs, satyrs and so on. Are these creatures of legend and Otherkin related to them? Do their origins and disappearance coincide with what many believe to be their extraterrestrial or religious origins? Whatever the reasons or ultimate discoveries while exploring this topic, it's real. These people are out there right now, and unlike UFO groups that have, at least, become more televised and discussed for decades, this is a smaller but no less real sect. These Otherkin are people that have a part within them that does not feel or seem to originate as human, thus, it is alien. I ask that this topic be explored with an open mind, and hopefully answers can be found for both groups within the other as to the pieces to the larger puzzle. And later if anyone is interested, I will post a discovery I stumbled onto, as well as a possible theory as to where at least one sect of Otherkin may play a role on the extraterrestrial world.

I'm finding it interesting the connection, given it's not one I had noticed being inactive in UFO/abductee circles. When I was a child I was fascinated with the phenomena of extra-terrestrials. I read up everything I could on the situation, the various records of close encounters, the different classifications...I would watch TV shows about the subject also, but I never thought much about it. My interest in UFOs waned as so many things do when you're a child, instead of reading about them I read instead about Nostradamus; I started reading literature on apocalyptic nuclear explosions, the difference between fission and fusion and moved on to runes and tarot. I still had a soft spot in my heart for UFOs, but what came with me when we moved continents were the tarot, and prophecies and not so much the things on UFOs, except for watching the "X-Files" periodically (we didn't have cable).

I believe it's going to involve some deeper looking in to.

I was realizing that one of the reasons I feel out of touch with the "community at large" is the fact that I don't believe I am physically anything other than human. I know I'm human. I was born of human parents, raised with a human family. My soul may be otherwise, have been otherwise, be looking towards other creatures the next time around, but I'm in a human body. My human body is not going to sprout wings, it's not got pointy ears, I can't grow fangs and hair and run around on all fours.

Well, I suppose I could run around on all fours but I would look pretty silly.

Before I stopped going on instant messenger I was often approached by people who claimed to be able to shift, and wanted to help me awaken my inner wolf so that I could shift too. Not withstanding the fact that they wanted to show me how to do something such as this over instant messenger which puts my back up because a personal thing with me is that I don't like to do anything like that with someone I don't have a rapport with, and if I haven't met that person face-to-face it takes a lot more than three IMs back and forth to build that rapport, but tying in with somethings I mentioned last night they would get all upset when I asked them to prove to me their claims were true.

If I went up to someone on the street and told them that I could change into another creature at will and could show them how. I figure those that didn't laugh nervously and edge away to call the police, would go, "Okay, prove it!" before they would do anything with me, and quite rightly to.

I know people who work in the esoteric fields, say a hypnotist, one of the first things they do before working with you is prove to you that hypnosis not only works, but works on you. It builds trust and rapport with them, proves to you that they know what they're talking about, what they're doing and they're qualified to teach you.

So, no, "I've done this with TONS of people" is not adequate proof to me that you're qualified to show me anything. Aside from the fact that I know I cannot physically change into a wolf, or a werewolf. I mean, come on, it takes at least two hours for me to change my hair color, and that involves professional help at times.

I'll grant astral shifting. I think one of the easiest things to do is change how you look astrally, but physically, here and now, not so much at least in the way these people claim. I've seen it with Otakukin too, I remember a group "back in the day" where the list-mod claimed constantly to be able to henshin into a sailor senshi, and that she was constantly fighting off attacks at Walmart. Of course if I started shouting, "Mars Power, Make Up!" or something similar in Walmart...that goes back to the police/loony bin scenario.

If there's someone out there that can shift or transform, for real, without CGI effects or costuming and make-up...I will seriously eat crow.

Your feelings are so intense now that you could truly benefit from spending at least some of the day in silent contemplation. You may not have the luxury of being able to go on a retreat, but you should at least try to cultivate a spiritual atmosphere in some way. Ritual can enhance your day, so make time for quiet meditation or get outside into a natural setting that is good for your soul.

It's funny how appropriate the horoscope is at times.

I figure firstly I should address how I feel these things work. I'm what you would call 'otherkin' probably. How appropriate is the term? I still don't know. It works as a definition because I say 'otherkin' and people generally understand that I mean I didn't, haven't and won't always reincarnate human. That I believe in reincarnation but not the way it's "generally understood" and works.

Reincarnation (gotta love that Wikipedia) "is a doctrine or mystical belief that some essential part of a living being (in some variations only human beings) survives death to be reborn in a new body." That is what I believe, yes, unlike many faiths I do not believe that just means I cycle from past to present in various human bodies on this Earth, or, as some tenets (like Buddhists) believe cycle from past to present flip-flopping between human and animal bodies.

At this point I'm not even sure that I stay on Earth, sometimes it looks as though I may be traversing from past to present to future, that I have lives living in parallel now, or perhaps my soul is in several pieces and will come back together at some point in the future. I don't have all the answers. I'm still trying to figure them out.

The fact remains that I fully believe that I have been other creatures, that some of them might be considered mythical, weres, dragons something of the like. Perhaps my soul just takes some time out in the astral plane and plays around with different shapes and when that translates to me in the 'now' it looks as though I was a werewolf or a dragon that didn't seem to breathe fire.

I'm trying to find answers for myself.