| Random is random |
[31 Jul 2008|04:18pm] |
Therapy is going well, once a week. She did mention stepping it up to twice a week, but only in tentative, hubbie's schedule and our insurance and lack of crisis means we've agreed it's going to stay only once a week.
We're renovating. Turning garage into bedroom, and going to have a roomie by the end of the month. This will help out both us and them. They're a friend who is going to a local college. They know about our mental state. They're good with the munchkin. Hubbie and I have known them several years, and while normally people say "Don't rent to friends" in our case it's really best to rent to friends who won't be perturbed if their "landlady" is suddenly wandering around the house at 4 a.m. with a stuffed animal and a blanket, or suddenly has an Australian accent or something.
Apparently when Kiddy went to therapy two weeks ago is the first time that our therapist has ever had another alter spontaneously go to therapy. Previously they've arranged things via hypnosis during a session. Not sure we'll be able to pull it off next week though, for one I may have to cancel therapy depending on how things are going with the renovations, two Debbi is not as bolshy as Kiddy really...and is only ever usually out "in case of child-related emergency" given she normally takes care of the Littles.
Oh, and how do you get "Smooth Sailing" to work on this system? I thought ![[info]](http://www.insanejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) placeholder may have mentioned something about that. Due to comment-related issues with the previous LJ layout, Ami converted it into "Smooth Sailing" so now we might be able to use it over here?
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| Blarrr |
[21 Jul 2008|10:46am] |
So apparently I can't put this theme on this journal. Maybe I'm just being dense. Maybe Ami can figure it out. Just not in the mood.
Tried to cut grass with shears THAT desperate. It was tiring, and mostly futile too.
Been a lot of crap going on. Really seem to have defected back to LJ despite best intentions to keep up here. I think it's just the fact that I get more feedback and interaction, which is kinda sad given it's not that much more than here.
Didn't realize I was such a comment whore. I think I'm just lonely.
I doubt things will get any less crazy busy over the next month. I have six therapy appointments before the end of August, and also have a shed to put up and a friend who is moving down to live in our garage so there's a lot of arrangements that have to happen, including a partial remodel.
I guess I should just resign myself to the fact that I'm not as hard core as I think I am.
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| TELL YOUR FRIENDS |
[28 Jun 2008|10:17pm] |
Point your friends to: http://beyondmirrors.net/2008/06/27/15-reading-special/
PLEASE -- PLEASE -- PLEASE
And thank you.
Stupid us miscalculated and we're a bit short in the bank for the mortgage payment. So, trying to generate funds PRONTO.
PIMPAGE is MUCH APPRECIATED.
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| Otherkin and Multiplicity |
[18 Jun 2008|09:10am] |
I think I was right. I won't say I know I was right because I can't endeavor to say with certainty what's going on in other people's brains, but I seriously feel disconnected from a lot of people and there's a block there preventing me from reaching out all the time. It's draining. I get sick of it.
Socialization is something that is hard to get in the situations that I'm in, with the lack of money, the illness which makes me so fucking tired at times that I can barely stay awake to make food for the munchkin, add to that the munchkin that a lot of people we know really can't relate to, and I don't want to pawn him off on my Mum just so I can go driving.
I'm grateful that I have a few friends who still talk to me and will come and visit or that my husband can make arrangements so I can go and see some people...but still it seems like things are way different now, and talking with K whose been visiting kinda affirms to me that there has been some uncertainty with how to approach me, and some fear on people's parts that I'm going to up and decide it was all wrong.
True I haven't been getting much input lately, but I know things have been so overwhelming for me on many quarters that it's been enough just to get through one day to the next, and there have been dreams I just haven't been able to hold on to them properly.
I'm not discounting any of the experiences I had or have had over the past few years just because I've been diagnosed as having multiple personalities, in fact it's made things a bit more clear for me in a lot of respects. The reason why it was so easy for me to flip and channel change for example, because the alters and the other lives meshed together, it made the alters stronger, it made me stronger, I'm grateful to it and for it, because if it wasn't for discovering the other lives and the alters I wouldn't have been able to deal with the fractures so well, I wouldn't have had the tools to find out and research and work through things on my own, to gain a semblance of co-consciousness or anything else like that. I would have wound up in situations that I see having happened with other DID diagnoses where they've been in and out of hospital or in and out of jail because they have no communication with certain alters who just do whatever the fuck they feel like doing.
I don't even want to think of the trouble that Terri or maybe even Sanzo type personality could have gotten me in to if they weren't keenly aware that X or Y was in their life time and this wasn't it.
I feel I have to say it partially for myself too, that we're still here and we're still us, that even our therapist doesn't poo-poo the reincarnation aspect of things. She just admits that she doesn't know everything and that it could well be the reason for X, Y and Z. In fact dealing with the therapist has pretty much validated things over doubts that I had. She read the entry that Max wrote which talked about suicide attempts and self-harm and said that it seriously read like he had done those things, even though physically in this life I've never actually put the knife to flesh only thought about it and then had Ami stop us. She said the writing was very kinesthetic that it was clearly something that he had done, and I said that the only time I knew he had done those things was in the life time that was similar not in this time.
Enough ramble from me right now...I need to make some food now that I've woken up a bit better.
x-posted Echoes... and LJ.
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| Okay, so |
[23 May 2008|10:46pm] |
In keeping with the idea of wanting to actually post more in various places, including LJ, here and my domain. I'm going to catch you guys up with some stuff that's going on.
Therapy is once a week now, hubbie's recovered from surgery and is back at work, he's been switched for days. I'm in the middle of applying for disability, we'll see how that goes.
We've been having some weirdness with Little being out. We're calling her Little now because we don't know her name, although she seems to be leaning towards Rachel. I'm feeling a bit disconnected from the kin community, like a lot of people I know who are in the kin community are now not quite sure what to make of me since I got the Multiplicity diagnosis. It's probably in my head, maybe? I guess it's just that this has coincided with everything going quiet because a lot of people are in weird places with their own lives, or really busy, these things tend to happen and then make certain aspects feel like they're pissing people off *looks to Ami*
Anyway, Max actually went to therapy on Thursday just to see how things were going, given it's mostly been me (Core/Abby whatever) that's been going, although Max has had a bit of input every once in a while. Then we shared with her this long journal entry that Little had written and she did some hypnosis with me to see if Little would come out, we'd packed her favorite cuddly toy (popple) and taken it with us, and she did talk to the therapist for a little bit, but nothing much of consequence, by which I mean no HUGE revelations of anything, but there were some things which were kind of o.O like the fact that she said her name didn't matter. She clearly considers herself of no consequence to anyone, which fits with our upbringing really. But considering the way she is some times, unless there's more than one little...which is possible, she seemed pretty grounded and sane. None of this "wall people" business, maybe there is a medication connection.
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| Ch-ch-changes |
[19 May 2008|06:45pm] |
Again?
What?
Yeah, I'm going to change the username (as soon as the rename token thing gets to me) so that it matches my IJ and I'm going to be combining LJ IJ and the domain blog some how so that they're easier for me to manage and update ^^
What? Me actually thinking...yeah, it does happen some times.
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| Keyboard is Fixed |
[26 Apr 2008|08:38pm] |
I'm not sure if this means I'll be more talkative here or not...we'll see.
Therapy starts as once a week after Monday. Elsie is wanting to start hypnosis things. We'll see how that goes.
Munchkin's 2nd birthday was today. Check Main Blog for more details. If you're curious.
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| Reasons.Why.I'm.Quiet |
[17 Apr 2008|10:42pm] |
1.I.keep.forgetting.IJ.exists.
2.I.have.no.space.bar
3.I've.been.sick.as.a.dog...stomach.flu=blargh.
4.The.munchkin.is.fully.entering.terrible.tantrum.twos.even.though.he's.not.two.for.nine.more.days
OMG.my.baby.is.TWO
5.Trying.to.sort.stuff.around.house.and.so.on.
6.Therapy.is.going.to.once.a.week.so.we.can.do.some.hypnosis.work.and.so.on
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| So mini update |
[07 Mar 2008|05:10pm] |
Things have been crazy busy here.
I had citizenship interview to gain US instead of GB and passed. Waiting for quality control and then swearing in and things are okay after that.
Things are going well with therapy. The therapist confirmed on Monday that we do indeed have Multiple Personalities. There's some gloating going on because she says from reading various people's writing in my handwritten journal she feels that I have some personalities who are well adjusted namely Abby and Debbi (Rose) so that's pretty cool, at least for them.
She considers it a sort of Median set-up with Gatekeeper type personality.
In other news still waiting on husband's surgery. Money is super-duper tight. Opened an etsy store to start selling Abby's jewelry: http://lookbeyond.etsy.com/ and have been helping Mum move and settle in. Her birthday was this last week so we made her cake and tacos (it's what she wanted).
Well, back to cleaning. I just realized hadn't updated here in forever and a day.
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| Dragon Update |
[22 Feb 2008|09:15am] |
If you check the previous post the blue dragon has hatched and the first white one is hatching.
First white one, you say?
Yes, because I rescued an abandoned dragon who has soft shell and it also has a white egg.
I also got a bright green one because it was shy and hiding.
 
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| Soon To Be Dragons |
[21 Feb 2008|08:48pm] |
http://dragcave.ath.cx/user/31018
  
Please to do the clicky thing and such.
There's lots of things going on but I'm being neglectful of the blog here, and not keeping up with things properly. I guess it's a something's gotta give situation. I've been sick. I've been getting therapy. I've got a tarot article I basically need to re-write from scratch. Dragons are a welcome distraction.
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| Appointment |
[30 Jan 2008|12:00am] |
So, there is therapy. Tomorrow (the 31st) at 9:15 a.m. I have an appointment at a therapists. I have to go in early.
My SO bought me a massage for Valentine's Day. He's suggesting I go to it after I go to the therapist, hence getting it early. I think we'll wait and see until after the appointment is done. It'll depend how things go.
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| Updates |
[28 Jan 2008|09:31pm] |
Quiet. Yes. It's been so.
Been overly exhausted yesterday and mostly keeping to LJ or silence when not getting work things done on public faceless blogs.
There is good news and awkward news and hopeful news.
The good news is that the divorce (on behalf of our mother and the evil step-father) is finalized and through the courts, so we are no longer bound to him in much way at all. There is the factor of the legal adoption, but just let him try to lay claim, by proxy, to our child whom he conveniently considers his grand child when it suits him to show off and is generally a dick towards. Just. Let. Him.
In awkward news that's just the general blargh. The crappy experience with medication that was prescribed. The triggery crappy situations that have been going on. The nightmares that flux between bloody, suicidal dreams and assault which happened when we were a juvenile, from a friend of an equal age, no less. She was probably acting out some trauma which had happened to her, but that act is the ground. The foundation for our whole mental situation as it is now, and the first in a random line of things which happened over many years at various points in time.
The hopeful news is that an appointment has been made for the morning to speak again with the PCP and get things sorted out. Coming out with anything other than the promise of a referral for therapy is unacceptable. It has been decided so.
There are other random neat things such as licenses for business have been acquired, a Rubik's cube was purchased, we've found a place to get curtains for cheap. The cute neighbor kids came over and volunteered to walk the munchkin seeing as we didn't have a dog for them to walk. We didn't let them, but it was cute. We said we'd keep them in mind if we get the police dog and it's allowed for him or her to be around others, and if not we may get a second non-police dog that's munchkin size and they could help show him what's what. It made them feel good.
We went to the ZOO on Friday.
But we'll be continuing on. It's slow progress. It's going to be slow progress, but we have other people who have "been there, done that" here and in other places that we have found. Seeing as during a moment of "trying to sort things out" we came fully 'out' to the parenting board that we know. In the secure portion which only a percentage of the members have but it brought to us another Mom who has been through pluralism and come out the other side, and while she integrated she said in her message to us that she is not pushing that she knows that it might not work for us, but she has been there, and if we wanted to have virtual coffee and chat, and bitch and get other experiences she would be there and would be happy to talk to any one or all of us if we wanted, and that was nice, because as it is most of the plural and multiple communities that we've joined they're okay, but they kinda suck because there's the drama-whores and the attention-whores and also the fact that 90% of the people in them tend to SQUICK-RUN when they found out there's a child of this system and that we're seeking therapy, only before they SQUICK-RUN they comment that "OMFG DON'T you'll be declared an UNFIT PARENT!!!" which is EXACTLY the sort of thing we DO.NOT.NEED to hear, because that is the deep-seated fear that enough of us have and it sends Ami and the Core in particular into complete and utter terror-panic and guilt issues and just...NO.
Anyway, that's what's been going on, and what is going on with the brief aside of a bunch more Jared-Redux history being discovered yesterday and that a bunch more stuff about Sol WILL be discovered because he's been turned into an epic-level D&D dragon for a game that's being run and that's just all kinds of nifty fun.
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| Baby Steps |
[15 Jan 2008|01:55pm] |
It's interesting how just semi-outing yourself can be a big relief sometimes. There's a parenting forum that I participate in sporadically. A few of us write there from time to time, asking questions and what-not, of course, all under one handle and we try to make sure it generally has the same tone and that the same person goes back through and edits posts and things so that they flow.
The things you do to "play singleton" and what-have-you. We only go to get togethers with the other Moms on days when the same few of us are more forward and the health is right so that there's no questions asked. It's supposed to be an accepting forum but there's always paranoia. Always. It's pervasive. I can't entirely blame Ami although her nerves don't help.
So, they had a forum re-shake the other day. Switched servers, switched the program they use to run the actual forum, changed moderators around, deleted some sub-forums, added others.
One of the forums they added was a "post secret" forum. If you're not familiar with that check Wikipedia, and they've been inviting members who have over a certain amount of posts and therefore have 'clearance' to make digital post cards and send them in via an anonymous photobucket account and an anonymous posting feature.
So, after internal discussion we went for it. We found a picture depicting a multiple persons headspace and added a message about being a multiple. Posted it under the heading "more than one". I'm sure some people logged in to look at it thinking it was some kind of confessional about having more than one kid, but eh. There's been positive and supportive response, although not much compared to the number of views that thing go, but as I say, deceptive title, then again if I called it "Multiplicity" they'd have been thinking of the movie I imagine. It's a start though, and it makes us feel somewhat better about things, especially as right now it's looking like we're not going to be able to afford therapy for some time, given Mum can't afford to pay for it until after her settlement comes in and we just can't justify a $120-170 per session out of pocket expense.
Here's hoping the insurance company's website is actually working and there's a place that we can find locally, although it's going to mean the hassle of a referral.
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| Dream memory |
[09 Jan 2008|12:24pm] |
Haziness from last night.
Was at a dock yard or something like that. There were sailor-types going around, so military dock yard, yeah? Noise. Bad noise. Brain goes. Oh shit, that's a missile of some sort, and yelling of warning and things like that, and knocking some one down and the ow, shit he's heavy broke something there, joy.
Then cut to the being interviewed at the hospital and nurse being snarky on the whole, "Well, if you weren't drunk we could you know give you pain killers and things and it wouldn't hurt so much..." and explaining to the interviewers who are cops of sorts that yes, do have photographic memory, and describing of sailor-guy down to the last detail to prove it, and explaining/excuse making that used to third shift schedule so 10 a.m. is my 10 p.m. and blah-blah-minor-b.s. and yeah, was in Europe during the war and heard that noise clearly and knew it. "You were in Europe." "Yeah, I have friends over there." Hrm; "and this is your name right? Samuel Brooks?" "Yeah" (one of them) "so what sort of cops are you guys exactly, anyway?" and then the admission of well, you know have several IDs, actually one of which is in the name of Karen but wasn't going to give that to a hospital...so I will be honest here and trust you guys can actually DO your jobs and realize just because I WAS a terrorist doesn't mean I have ANYTHING to do with said missile going off just now and trying to blow up the dock okay?
Then, after waking up 1:15 a.m. coughing guts out and stumbling outside. Realize OMG Samuel Brooks might actually be my really REAL name, rather than the Daniel in the lion's den, Maxwell, and everything else stuff.
Hahahahahaha!!
Although now it's the whole...okay when the hell did I actually find that out in there, and where does that event fit with everything else...but hah.
(Oh and no prizes for guessing which arm it was. Hairline fracture...and yeah, there's some shit with the hospital too because of "weirdness in X-rays" which I'm guessing was just the multitude of minor healed fractures over war time from random concussion through the suits and such)
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| Strange Script |
[08 Jan 2008|10:16am] |
I found those samples of strange characters that I had written a while ago, and also figured I would see if I can find archives of a few of the other differences in hand writing.
( Strange Writing )
No idea. Some of it looks a bit like it's trying to be Asian characters...but yet not. These must have been written in 2005 because I remember they were done on the erase boards that we had for note writing during gaming sessions and it was at a place that we stopped having access to for gaming sessions after 2005.
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| Backing the Wrong Horse |
[07 Jan 2008|04:16pm] |
So, I neglected posting here in favor of posting on GJ because more people that I knew had migrated to GJ and were congretating there...that's what I get. GJs mortally wounded and dying. I was cross-posting for a while, but I got lazy. I should have kept up with it. Now I'm having to post across archives and things.
Ah, well.
So, it goes. So, if you're looking for she who was GJ-user "eryssa" that is me. I welcome you, and look forward to keeping in touch with you here.
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| Robot! Robot! Robot! |
[11 Dec 2007|10:12am] |
Well, that conversation went nowhere.
I should have yelled at her, but overall everyone was too scared. She called when we had everyone over for the game and everything just froze up.
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| 'fess up |
[09 Dec 2007|10:10am] |
Okay, so I found the Bluetooth. Go me!
So, WHERE the fuck is the charger now?
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